My Fall TV Reviews! (Part One)

Listen up, donkeys!!!

OK, I know this isn't strictly about Hartford, but I do have teevee in Hartford, and so I figure I can fit it in under some sort of ridiculous premise like that. There's a chill in the air, the leaves are starting to change, Christmas displays have gone up in department stores...all of these things mean that the Fall viewing schedule in upon us. Ahhh, bliss. Not that I'm not still crying in my Gin & Tonic over Lost not returning until effin February, mind you. (How many times did I use "not" in that sentence - three? Does that mean it's still a negative or a positive? Bah, nevermind.)

America's Next Top Model (CW)

http://www.cwtv.com/shows/americas-next-top-model

Oh, the bitch is back. This is oddly the one show I cannot get Dr. Pete to watch, which is weird because it has, you know, models (or reasonable facsimiles thereof) in it. But he hates Tyra, whom he calls a psychopath and who am I to question because he's like trained to know that stuff. So the new season started last night, and I have to admit I am still a little bitter about Jaslene's win over Natasha from last cycle. I feel vindicated because Jaslene's My Life as a Covergirl ads are, well, awful. I can't believe they gave Danielle such grief over her accent when Jaslene needs subtitles. Look, I'm fine with accents in general, but I'd appreciate some consistency. Who am I kidding, this is ANTM.

What one needs to understand to watch ANTM is that it is NOT a modeling competition, but a competitive reality show that just happens to involve modeling. And lots of Tyra wigs. Last night started off with the 20 (30?) initial models going on a cruise ship to compete to make the first cut. Let me say right here that I think that the entire cycle should have been done on a cruise ship. If it's legal to have monkey knife fights in international waters, it should be legal to chuck the bitches who get cut overboard. I'm just sayin, CW, you might want to look into it.


The familiar cast of characters is back: Mr. Jay (gradually morphing into an alien), "Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, Twiggy ( I love her), Ms. J Alexander (drag queen extraordinaire) and of course Miss Thang Tyra. Tyra introduced herself to the girls by doing a lounge act song and dance number while wearing a costume that looked like the bastard child of a Cher costume mated to the Navy guy from the Village People. Anyway, the models are cute this cycle, which is a relief, and I'm actually pleased about the inclusion of a normal-sized wannabe, though there is NO place in the modeling world for a size 6-8 girl. Best of luck to her, at any rate.

Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, US Version (Fox)

http://www.fox.com/kitchennightmares/


OK, I love the UK version of this show, and last night premiered the US version. Of course, Fox had to go and Foxify a perfectly good product, but who am I kidding, I would watch Ramsay reading/yelling from a dictionary. But, all that said and done, it wasn't too bad! The first episode took us to "Peter's" a family-owned Italian joint on Long Island. I swear, if Peter the Guido didn't exist, he'd need to be invented. (The loudmouth, bedazzled creep is probably being offered his own reality show by Fox as we speak.) Peter's insistence on spending boatloads of cash on himself left the restaurant in a state of disrepair, constantly hounded by "bill collectors." (yeah, right, they're from the electric company, suuuure). To make matters worse, he is only the manager. His delightful if beleaguered sister (Tina) actually owns the place, and is at risk of losing her home if the sorry state isn't improved. Watch the video on the website to get a great look at Peter.

I love how Ramsay has a singular talent to cut through the bullsh*t.

Even though it's not as good as the original, I'll keep watching.

Beauty and the Geek (CW)

http://www.cwtv.com/shows/beauty-and-the-geek

Awww. I love this show. For a competition program, it's actually quite sweet, a formula that was almost wrecked by last season's pure-evil Cici (cat hiss). The focus is on personal growth, and I always surprise myself by how affecting this show can be. The contests are always directly relatable to the focus of the episode, and are rarely, if ever, humiliating. While both the Beauties and the Geeks are the subject of gentle ribbing, they are never the butt of the joke.

The casting seems really promising this year, and I have read interviews with the host who claims they really went out of their way to find a cast of people who genuinely wanted to improve themselves; who were in it as much for the experience as for the game. In an age where competitive-reality programming seems more interested in having contestants who are hated (better ratings) than cared-for by the viewer, the attitude is refreshing.

The cast this year also includes Nicole, the first female Geek. Unfortunately, she was introduced at the very end of the episode, so I can't really say anything about her. I also like the expansion of what makes a Geek to include people who don't seem fantastically geeky other than severe social awkwardness. (Well, that and they went to MIT, duh.) The Beauties, on the other hand (with one exception but I will withhold judgment) seem genuinely sweet if clueless (actual quote: The sun and the moon are the same thing, right?).

Obviously, I have a sweet spot for this show.