Operation Jerk Stealing My Newspaper is in effect! PLUS: A Day at the DMV

Reconnaissance is boring! So I set the alarm for 6 am to try to catch a (newspaper) thief. The plan was this, wait out for the delivery guy then replace the paper with last week's paper and the afore-mentioned note. So...maybe I should have, you know, checked as to what time the delivery guy got there, because for an hour my ass was standing in the rain in my hoodie and pajamas, probably looking incredibly insane.

In the interests of a good sting, I Googled "stealing my newspaper" and was astonished at the wide-spreadedness (new word!) of this issue. Seriously. Try it, I got 1050 hits! And that's in quotes. This was one of my favorites, also at Blogspot:

http://aglasner.blogspot.com/2007/05/ace-glasner-pet-detective.html

Hilariously, I am #3 on Google for "stealing my newspaper." Snerf.

ANYWHO, an hour later delivery guy came by and frankly looked shocked I was waiting for him. He was like, "Is this your paper?" and I was all, "Yeah, some jerk has been stealing it." He chuckled and shook his head, an action that for some reason made me want to punch him. I'm not a violent person, but standing out in the dark and rain (did I mention it was also raining?) made me a touch grumpy.

So I retreated to the stairwell and did the switch in the blue plastic Times bag. I was planning on camping out in the car to watch for the thief, but I was frankly exhausted at that point, so I went back upstairs.

Boo, as of noon, the thief hadn't taken the bait. Maybe the times is like a baby bird and the thief is like a mother bird and won't touch the paper if human hands have touched it. Who knows. So I retrieved my bait and will redeploy it tomorrow. Wish me luck!

PART 2, The DMV is-a-killin' me!

Yesterday, Dr. Pete and I decided we had no choice but to pony up and go get our Connecticut drivers licenses. So here's an easy 20-step instruction manual to transferring a license to Connecticut.

1. Go four towns over to the town with the DMV, as there is no actual DMV in the city of Hartford. Be sure to bring newspaper, snacks.

2. Wait in line to get initial number, be told you need a piece of postmarked mail to prove address. Dig through car, find forwarded mail and hope for best.

3. Get back in line for initial number, be told your forwarded mail is "probably ok."

4. Sit and wait for number to be called. When number is called, go up to window. Be told that your certified copy of your birth certificate is not acceptable, as you need actual birth certificate. Look at window attendant as if they are functionally retarded. Explain to window attendant that a certified copy is as good as original, as it is from hospital where you were born and was used as proof to obtain wedding license. Be confused when window person does not believe that you can obtain birth certificate copy from hospital where you were born, not county records. Wait as window person leaves to "check with supervisor."

5. Have to drive all the way home and back to obtain better piece of postmarked mail. Curse and mumble entire route.

6. Return to DMV, obtain second initial number. Wait for number to be called.

7. Number is called, go to window, re-present all information/identification. Watch window person flag you for Homeland Security observation due to afore-mentioned certified birth certificate copy. Pay 40 dollars in cash no debit cards, no credit cards accepted thank you.

8. Wait for name to be called.

9. Wait for name to be called.

10. Name called, go to different window and fill out another form.

11. While waiting for name to be called again, go get voter registration forms, hope you don't need to wait in new line to register.

12. Name is called, wait in line to get eye test. Pass eye test. Be told to wait until name is called.

13. Wait for name to be called. Fill out voter registration card and do half of Friday crossword puzzle. Fight with husband out of sheer boredom.

14. Name is called, go to different window and pay 77 dollars only cash no credit or debit cards. Fish in purse for change when you discover you only have 73 dollars. Pay, the wait for name to be called.

15. Wait for name to be called, name is called, go up and have picture taken.

16. Wait for name to be called.

17. Name is called, go up and obtain new license.

18. Utterly confuse window person by attempting to turn in voter registration forms.

19. Wait for window person to get manager. Manager takes voter registration forms, gives verification.

20. Get the hell out of there, go to pub, have 5 drinks.